Supporting Your College Freshman Using EFFT
Q: My daughter just started college and calls me every night, upset because she hasn’t made friends yet. I love supporting her, but it’s taking up all my evenings. My husband thinks I’m enabling her. How can we help her adjust while balancing our own needs?
A: It’s common for parents to feel torn when their college-aged child struggles to adapt socially, and differing opinions on how to respond can create tension. In Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), Reuven Rosen suggests prioritizing emotional connection while fostering independence. He offers three suggestions for navigating this situation:
- Balance Support with Encouragement: Think ABCs — Acceptance, Belonging, and Comfort. Your daughter needs to feel accepted and loved by you both while she navigates finding belonging in her new community. This will give her the comfort needed to fuel her courage toward independence. Mom can remain emotionally available while setting healthy boundaries. Consider gradually shortening calls while reassuring your daughter of your continued support. For example, our EFFT suggests you schedule a set time each evening for a brief check-in, which may help her to hang on and wait to call, knowing there is a plan to connect.
- Team Approach: Be united in supporting your daughter and each other. You fear her feeling lonely, while Dad fears her not being independent. You need to be able to lean on each other about your fears so you can provide her with the nuanced support she needs.
- Empowerment through Coaching: Lead with questions rather than answers. Ask her how she might want to build connections in her new setting. She’ll likely propose setting small social goals, like introducing herself to a classmate or attending a club meeting. Resist making unsolicited suggestions. Celebrate her efforts. EFFT therapists feel this empowers her while allowing both parents to share in her journey.
Originally published in Lakelands Leader October 2024
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