The Intoxicating Pull of Self-Righteousness in Professional Forums

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Its Dangers and Three Ways to Resist

In professional communities—whether on a listserv, in a Facebook group, or during a heated Zoom call—it’s easy to get swept up in the moment. We feel strongly. We believe we’re right. And we hit “reply all.”

But sometimes, in the heat of conviction, we climb, unintentionally and almost imperceptibly, onto a very high horse. From up there, it can be hard to see clearly. And the cost? Relationships we’ve spent years building, reputations we’ve carefully cultivated, and communities we care deeply about.

When the stakes feel personal, emotional, or high, it’s worth remembering that righteous indignation, no matter how justified it feels, rarely persuades. More often, it polarizes.

Here are three practices that can help us stay grounded and constructive:

1. Check Yourself:
   Start with humility. Acknowledge that you may not have all the facts, and that reasonable people can see the same situation differently. Sometimes, the greatest blind spot is not realizing what we don’t know. That gap can create a false sense of clarity in situations that are actually far more nuanced or ambiguous. Reflecting on our assumptions and leading with curiosity helps us stay open to complexity, making us more likely to get it right.
2. Soothe Yourself:
   When we’re feeling activated—angry, anxious, defensive, or overwhelmed—it’s important to take a beat and calm our system. We might be in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn state, and that makes it hard to think clearly or respond constructively. Try stepping away for a bit. Take a walk, breathe, and talk it out with someone who won’t escalate you. The goal isn’t to dismiss your feelings, it’s to get enough distance from them to think straight. Soothing ourselves helps make space for humility. It’s what lets us check our assumptions with clearer eyes and gives us the breathing room to pause before reacting.
3. Pause Yourself:
   Impose a personal waiting period before posting or replying. Sleep on it. Ask yourself: Is this coming from a place of anger, self-righteousness, or contempt? Research shows that contempt, in particular, is especially toxic in relationships and is almost guaranteed to backfire. It hardens positions rather than opening dialogue. Often, when we’re writing from a place of anger or contempt, the deeper emotion underneath is actually fear or helplessness. Pausing gives us the chance to connect with our more vulnerable feelings and choose a response that reflects our values rather than our reactivity.

None of us is immune to the rush of feeling “right.” But in professional spaces, our integrity and restraint allow us to lead, influence, and collaborate effectively.

We all benefit when we build a culture that prizes curiosity over certainty and generosity over judgment. For more on navigating disagreement skillfully, I recommend this thoughtful piece from Harvard Business Review (June 7, 2023): How to Disagree Productively.

Written by Dr. Elizabeth Carr
Kentlands Psychotherapy Founder