Advice Column: Coping with Guilt and Caregiving in Dementia

Q: My mother has early-stage dementia, and I’m struggling. I get annoyed more often than I’d like, especially when she repeats herself or asks about her car, which we sold months ago. Sometimes I snap and say, “Yes, Mom, you already told me,” and then I feel awful. I’ve also had to make painful choices—like moving her into my home, letting go of her things, and rehoming her cat. I feel guilty all the time. How to I stop constantly feeling this way?

A: While caring for your mom, you are also carrying a heavy emotional load. One where guilt is often a constant companion, especially when the line between protecting someone and overriding their wishes are often necessary. It’s common to feel disloyal when you make hard choices like selling a car, downsizing belongings, or rehoming a beloved pet, even when those choices are grounded in safety and care.

And then there’s the daily grind: repeated questions, forgotten conversations, and big emotions—yours and theirs. It’s normal to feel irritated. It’s normal to lose your patience sometimes. What matters is that you keep coming back to love. The gift of dementia, strange as it sounds, is that every day offers a reset. Your loved one may not remember the details, but they do feel your presence, your tone, and your care.

Rather than correcting, try redirecting: “No need to worry about the car, let’s sit together for a bit.” And please, seek support. Therapy, caregiver groups, or coaching can help you hold both your love and your grief, because both are there.

You’re not alone, and you’re not failing. You’re walking one of life’s hardest paths with compassion and courage, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.