My Wife Refuses to Talk with Me Outside of Couples Therapy

Q: My wife’s former classmate from grad school moved to the area six months ago. They’ve been getting together occasionally for drinks to catch up. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and I’ve been invited to join them. I went once and felt like an awkward third wheel. So, I stopped going or even asking about their “dates.” Their friendship makes me uncomfortable, but she has become defensive and dismissive when I’ve expressed my concerns. On Monday, she finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. We’ve argued several times since then. I thought we were making progress, but she says she won’t talk about it anymore unless we’re in therapy. I’d rather keep this between us. Why is she trying to pull in a third party?

A: When we’re hurting, we don’t realize how scary we can be to talk to. Since no one likes to feel weak, we often mask our more vulnerable feelings behind a disguise of the cold shoulder, anger, punishments, or verbal accusations and attacks. When we express these intense feelings to our spouse, we might feel better while they’re feeling worse. Additionally, many betrayed partners feel emboldened by righteous indignation, feeling they have the moral high ground, leaving the relationship even more out of balance.

Bringing in a trained couples therapist can keep communication de-escalated, more respectful, productive, and frankly kinder. It can help you to stay curious when you are reluctant to see your partner’s perspective, and it can help her to acknowledge and validate your feelings.  Be prepared for your therapist to recognize both your perspectives and feelings. Acknowledgment is not “agreement” or “approval.” You may want the therapist always to take your side, but ask yourself how long you could tolerate that situation if the shoe were on the other foot. Remember that acknowledging our shortcomings in the relationship does not mean we’re taking responsibility for our partner’s actions. Those are still theirs alone.

With the help of a highly trained couples therapist, you can speed along a communication and healing process that might otherwise drag out or, worse yet, stall out completely.