How Attachment Styles Shape Our Therapy Experience

By Dr. Elizabeth Carr, Kentlands Psychotherapy

Have you ever wondered why opening up in therapy seems so easy for some and so complicated for others? Why do some people form a deep connection with their therapist quickly, while others struggle to trust or stay engaged?

Often, these patterns aren’t random. They reflect something meaningful about how we’ve learned to relate to others, especially when we’re vulnerable. One key lens that helps make sense of this is adult attachment theory.

Most of us are familiar with the concept of attachment in early life, which suggests that babies require consistent, loving care to feel safe and secure. But our attachment system doesn’t disappear when we grow up. It quietly continues shaping how we seek comfort, express needs, and respond to closeness, especially in our most important relationships.

That includes our relationship with a therapist.

Here are a few ways different attachment styles can show up in therapy—not as flaws, but as helpful clues about where growth might be possible:

Avoidant Attachment: The “I’m Fine” Reflex

If your early experiences taught you that needing others is risky or unreliable, you might lean toward emotional self-sufficiency. In therapy, this can look like staying on the surface, intellectualizing feelings, or keeping a safe emotional distance. You may notice yourself avoiding eye contact when discussing vulnerable topics or feeling resistant when your therapist gently steers the conversation in a deeper direction.

This doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. It means your protective strategies are showing up—doing the job they were designed to do. Over time, the work is to slowly build trust in the idea that connection and vulnerability can safely coexist.

 

Anxious Attachment: Walking on Eggshells

For those who grew up attuned to shifts in others’ moods or approval, therapy can sometimes feel like an emotional tightrope. You might worry about disappointing your therapist or struggle to voice concerns about how a session went. You might even hesitate to ask for clarity or challenge a comment that didn’t sit right.

It’s important to know: a strong therapeutic relationship invites open feedback. Not only is your therapist trained to receive it, they welcome it. Naming your needs in the room can become a powerful rehearsal space for doing the same in other areas of your life.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The Push-Pull Dynamic

This style often forms when early relationships were both a source of comfort and confusion, loving at times, but also frightening or inconsistent. In therapy, this can look like an intense connection that feels hopeful at first, followed by sudden distrust, anger, or withdrawal.

You might feel torn, craving closeness but fearing it at the same time. Sessions may feel stormy, or like you’re constantly trying to read between the lines. If this sounds familiar, it’s not a sign that therapy isn’t working; instead, it’s a common experience. In fact, it might mean you’re right on the edge of a breakthrough. With time and support, these very patterns can begin to shift.

 

A Gentle Invitation to Self-Reflection

Your attachment style isn’t a label or a life sentence. It’s a roadmap—one shaped by past relationships, but open to new directions. Therapy offers a unique opportunity to reflect on these patterns in real-time, with someone who is trained to help you explore them with care and curiosity.

So if you find yourself hesitating to open up, bristling at a well-meaning comment, or unsure how to raise a concern, pause and ask: Is this about what’s happening now? Or is an old pattern stirring? Your therapist will be ready to meet you there.

Sometimes, the most healing part of therapy isn’t the insight—it’s discovering that your way of relating doesn’t have to stay fixed. New ways of connecting are always possible, one safe relationship at a time.

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If you’ve ever found yourself holding back in therapy or wondering why connection feels complicated, you’re not alone. At Kentlands Psychotherapy, our clinicians are trained to work with attachment dynamics in a respectful, collaborative way. If you’re ready to take the next step, we’d be honored to walk with you. Please call us at (240) 252-3349, ext. 807, for more details.