Five Things Your Teen Daughter Wants You to Know

“Mom…I am listening (as my eyes are darting back and forth between my text messages, the watermelon game, and social media).” I feel like this interaction happens between my mom and me almost daily. Can you relate?

 

Teen girls are in a beautiful, complicated phase of life. We’re growing into who we are and, at the same time, figuring out how to relate to our parents in a new way. Our parents may feel like we don’t want a relationship anymore. In reality, we are pulling away, our relationship is changing, and that’s normal and ok.

 

Behind the mood swings, eye rolls, and what looks like a permanent attachment to our phones, we (teen girls) want connection. We may not always show it, but there are things we (your daughters) would like you to know.

 

Here are five of the most important ones:

 

1. Social Media Is Our World – But Not Always Our Safe Space

 

To adults, a teen’s phone can look like the root of all problems. But to us, it’s where we connect, learn, distract, express ourselves, and stay informed. But there’s always a flip side: social media is exhausting. There’s a constant pressure to look perfect, be funny, and keep up with everything and everyone all the time. This can wear us down in ways we don’t always talk about.

 

What we really need from our parents isn’t a lecture or a ban, but instead someone who gets that “it‘s complicated.” Ask us what we are watching on our phone, who we follow, what’s fun and alluring about social media, and what makes us anxious. The goal isn’t to control us, but to be someone we can openly talk to about social media, without fear of judgment.

 

2. We’re Figuring out Who We Are – That Might Mean Questioning Things

We are in the middle of discovering what we believe and who we want to be in this world. That means we are dissecting our friendships, our style, our interests, and more. And yes, that process can look messy and dramatic. But it’s also necessary. We are not always trying to “rebel” or make our parents’ lives harder; we’re trying to “become” in every sense of the word.

 

The more we feel safe to explore who we are, the more likely we’ll come back to our core values, even though it may not seem like it at the time. Resist the urge to panic or control. Instead, stay curious, and be the steady voice that reminds us we are loved no matter where we land.

 

3. Sometimes We Just Want to Talk – And Not Be Told What to Do

 

When we open up about something like a friend issue or school stress, or even something silly that feels unimportant, it’s often more about connection than advice. We don’t always want solutions. Sometimes, we just need someone who will listen without trying to fix it.

 

And if we need help?  We‘ll usually ask. It is important to give us a sense of control and to respect our ability to handle things (with you as backup when we need it). The older we get, the more important it becomes that we feel like we are being heard, and not managed.

 

4. We Still Need You – Even When We Act like We Don’t

We (your daughters) may seem more independent now, and we probably are. As we get older, we definitely want more space, privacy, and more control over our choices. But that doesn’t mean we have outgrown our family, we still want you around, just differently.

 

It probably won’t look like the hugs and hand-holding of childhood anymore. It will look like sitting quietly nearby, being the one who drives us to school without asking a million questions, or remembering our favorite Starbucks order. It’s the small, consistent presence that tells us: you’re here for us no matter what. Just knowing you are in our corner gives us the confidence we need to keep exploring our world.

 

5. Your Words Shape How We See Ourselves – More Than You Realize

 

Even if we act indifferent to your feedback, we are still deeply in tune with how you see us. Compliments, encouragement, or even noticing our small effort can mean the world. Likewise, harsh or critical comments, especially about our appearance, intelligence, or attitude, can cut deeper than we’ll show or you might realize. This is because we are in the very fragile process of forming our self-worth.

 

Knowing that you see the good in us (even when we mess up) helps us believe that we’re lovable, capable, and strong. We don’t need you to falsely flatter us; we need you to see us clearly and speak life into the parts of us we doubt.

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Written by Lindsay Beane, teen daughter of Kentlands Psychotherapy therapist Nicole Beane, LCSW-C. Growing up with a therapist for a mom has its moments, some eye rolls, lots of insight, and more than a few deep talks over Dunkin’ Donuts.